Hellbent Grilled Cheese
The road to Hell is based on sin. Sin, as we know, is enjoyable.
What, exactly, is a Hellbent Grilled Cheese, and where does it get its name from?
Clearly, it is a grilled cheese sandwich. However, it is a satanic grilled cheese sandwich.
The first bite fills your skull with a blessed radiance reminiscent of a beautiful deity. You will not see god; you will instead feel the presence of the almighty in your sinus cavity as The Sandwich devours the walls therein.
30 seconds later, you will understand that your brief vision of the Lord is just that: God is waving goodbye to you!
You are on your way to Hell.
Because sin is enjoyable.
Here are the things you will need to make Hellbent Grilled Cheese:
- Rye bread. (I’m certain you could do this with white bread, but seriously? Why you gotta get all racial about this shit? It’s grilled fucking cheese. Do it right, or go the fuck home. Don’t bring that weak ass, no-taste bread up in here.)
- A block of sharp cheddar cheese. (That’s right. I said “a block”. Block. Single chunk of cheese that you will have to cut yourself. If you buy sliced cheese, you’re a fuck up. If, $deity forbid, you buy some sort of American cheese instead of cheddar, then stop reading this now and go back to playing Pokemon games.)
- Horseradish sauce. I guess a really good wasabi would work, but since 99% of all wasabi is really just horseradish with green food coloring. . . well.
- Diced jalapeno peppers. You heard me. Diced. A single jalepeno per sandwich. Don’t dice them with the seeds unless you really want to spend time in Hell.
- Olive oil. Spend as much money on this as you want; it’s all getting fried away.
- A cast-iron pan of some sort. The older and dirtier the better. The cast iron skillet I use is around 150 years old and soap has never touched its surface. (You heard me. One hundred and fifty years old, motherfuckers. It was my great-great-grandmother’s.)
Doing any of the following without having thoroughly washed your hands first will quickly turn you into a Sad Panda:
- Rubbing your eyes – or even the area around your eyes.
- Touching your junk (e.g., taking a leak and/or masturbating and/or both at the same time don’t you judge me).
- Touching someone else’s junk, male or female.
So, steps for preparation, written out as if you are a dumbass:
- Pull two slices of bread out from the bag. Per sandwich.
- Slather the horseradish on both slices. Like mayonnaise.
- Sprinkle a bits of diced jalapeno on both slices. A single jalepeno will be enough for a single sandwich.
- Slice enough cheese from your cheddar block to cover a slice of bread. Depending on the shape of your cheddar block, this may be three slices, or five, or whatever. You may have to break parts into chunks or whatever. No matter how you do it, there should be about 1/8th to a 1/4 thickness of cheese.
- Your sandwich is now approaching awesome.
- Drop a tablespoon’s worth of olive oil into your cast iron. Let it heat up.
- Once it’s warm, drop the sandwich into the pan. Fry that motherfucker up for about three-to-five minutes per side, depending. You’ll know to turn it when the cheese bubbles out. If you can cover the skillet, do so.
(If you have an ancient skillet like I do, you can obtain a cover for it by purchasing a piece of crap modern skillet of the same size. These often come with covers. You’ll never cook with the new skillet, so you can give it away to someone or use it as a murder weapon; your choice.)
- Slice into halves diagonally.
- Nom on that shit.
- Pray for death.
- Nom some more.
When you’re finished with your sandwiches, you’ll want to eat some ice cream. Here’s why: the next day, when you’re sitting on the toilet suffering from a burning, intestinal agony, you’ll be saying to yourself, “Come on, ice cream. Come on, ice cream.”