My New Business Model
So, I have this idea on how to make money.
In the United States of America, there exists a large group of people who believe in the Rapture. For those of you who never went to Sunday School, the Rapture (sometimes called the “Second Coming”) is the equivalent of the Christian apocalypse:
The baby^H^H^H^Hadult^H^H^H^H^Hundead (?) Jesus will come down from Heaven, say hi to everyone, and then take only the worthy and good back up into the clouds with him. This has the effect of leaving all the sinners on Earth, presumably to spend the rest of their lives lamenting the fact that all the killjoys disappeared.
(I’m going to point out that I have “Second Comings” fairly often as long as I’ve not had too much to drink. But I digress.)
So, okay. Let me just get this out of the way: According to these people, I am going to Hell. I mean, eventually. Not tomorrow. I’m definitely not getting past the Pearly Gates.
This means that once Undead Jesus calls the faithful home, I’ll be one of the Left Behind, which I think I’ll be okay with since it means that I finish out my days with rampant gambling, boozing, and sodomy.
But those poor people! The ones called home? They probably had a bunch of shit left undone. People they hadn’t judged. Abortion clinics they hadn’t bombed. Whatever.
So here’s the crux of my plan:
If you plan on getting “taken up”, you probably want some shit done. I expect that the Rapture happens a lot like, oh, a hurricane, or an earthquake, or a Republican convention. There’s going to be lots of sound and fury followed by nothing. So it’s like dying only there are probably fewer hookers killed in the process.
Which means you need a will. “In the event of my Rapture, I want someone to tell Cindy that I think she is a skeevy whore and is going to hell.” Or “Please provide for my pet dog” or even “Please provide for my retarded brother Billo.”
I figure I can charge a one-time fee of a hundred bucks for this. It’s like Jesus insurance.
And you know that there are people willing to pay this.
So, the question I am left with is this: is it ethical for me to bilk money out of these people?
Let’s be clear: these are people who believe that I am going to hell. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t give me money in the first place. They already don’t respect me, and I sure as fuck don’t respect their loopy asses.
And, honestly, if such an event did happen, I probably would go about honoring the wills. Because I’m That Guy.
(Also, I own the domain “rapture-wills.com”)