Babylon A.D.: Unrelenting Shittiness
Babylon A.D. is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen a lot of shitty films. It is a film that is vigorous about being shitty – like, it fucking spent years training to win the Shitty Film Olympics.
The only reason Maynard and I went to see this is because we’d seen everything else and we (seriously) said, “well, how bad can it be?” I mean, it can’t be worse than Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. No. Every time I thought to myself, “this cannot possibly get any worse” it managed to exceed my expectations and, indeed, get more miserable.
It really says something about a movie when the film’s fucking director calls it a piece of shit. The film feels like someone grabbed a bunch of Philip K. Dick novels, tore two pages out of each, and then stapled them together. It is a disjointed, horrid mess and positively reeks of studio interference.
No plot element makes sense, there are holes large enough to fly Coca-Cola branded airplanes through (yes, there is one), and (best of all) there is no resolution to what flayed plot there is. None. Nothing. Zip.
There is one redeeming quality. Well, two. The first is that there are lot of nice touches with the visuals . . . from time to time. However, the sheer singleminded drive of the film towards Shittytown prevents this from being a check in the “win” column.
The second is Michelle Yeoh, who should dump whatever guy she’s with and become my next ex-wife. However, there isn’t anyone there who can catch the balls she throws, so she ends up being wasted.
Had I been watching this film on DVD, I’d have popped it out and thrown it back to Netflix.
Skip it. Burn it. Torch it.